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mememe · Top Talbot Poster

Anyone know any good jokes?

AdminKarl · Site Admin

I bought a stupid dwarf........he's not big & he's not clever!

Saw that in a signature on mse! Embarassed

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

Thats an awful joke adminkarl!

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.

Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring.

The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.

"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

Dayus · Top Talbot Poster

mememe wrote:

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.

Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring.

The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.

"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

That is filth, I expect better of you mememe!!! Smile

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

You got any better ones?

Dayus · Top Talbot Poster

Of course

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a
wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough,
she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat
on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he
makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining
her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so
he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out
by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he
feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's
screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general
panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says
he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so
the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and
instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the
wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with
vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which
the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the
*******!!!

DolphinDriv3r · Newbie Talbot Poster

GREAT JOKES EVERYONE!!! Laughing

How are these for size? (does that make sense?)

Dear Spike,

I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law

P. S. Congratulations on winning the National lottery!

Laughing

mememe · Top Talbot Poster

Good one Dolphin, and welcome!

Joe · Newbie Talbot Poster

I want to die in my sleep like my grandad.......not screaming like his passengers